the price of grief

No funeral to attend but a death got you down?? Then you are in a prime spot for some soul-quenching retail therapy. But buyer beware, you are in a vulnerable state. More so than when you realize, say, on a Tuesday, that you’re 29 and you're very likely going to stay a secretary and that you don’t even remotely know what Microsoft Office really even is and so you NEED some silky dress to reignite the fantasy that you may end up 1) a non-violent espionage-ess or 2) swept off your feet by an as yet undefined amazing dude. But I digress. Slightly. Point is: woman, you need to shop. You deserve to shop. But proceed with caution. Here are some loose rules:

1) Skip the shit-box thrift mission. There’s plenty of time for a super deal, but you don’t have the psychic energy to do it now.

2) Go to a favorite store you don’t often frequent because it's expensive. Most ladies have one of these. If you can make rent and buy it, well, swipe that card. You will be buoyed up by naughty joy, stomach turning “what-ifs”, and you will cave. You will relive that moment of guiltless abandon over and over. For about 3 days.

3) Skip the Barney’s warehouse sale. I know, I know, people say it's ah-mazing but I’m not floored. Maybe it’s the smell of blood and evil eyes that get me down. Maybe it's that I know their store employees stock pile the good stuff and buy it on time so it never even makes it to the sale. Or maybe I just don't get my rocks off spending $1,300 on a Lanvin dress that looks like a bedazzled bed sheet. Unless you have size 10 feet and are really into super modern “right-now” shoe shapes, I think you’ll be disappointed. I did land some J Brand skinnies for $96 but is that even amazing?

4) Go to Barney’s. What? She’s contradicting herself. I mean just to look and see what they think is happ’nin. It's fun because it's all kind of just out there on the floor and within reach. It's not stuffy and locked up like Neiman Marcus. Barney’s is the kid that knows the cool clubs with no sign out front and lives a posh life with mussed hair and eco-friendly furniture. Whereas Neiman's knows who to invest with and which board of trustees is accepting new members. Plus, visiting Barneys, you can practice your acting ($900 for a scarf, von-dah-ful!, but no I don’t NEED it). Your recon work is simple: note the trends and keep them in mind for step 4.

5) Consignment! Rich women are still rich. And they buy A LOT of St. John. But there’s lots of other stuff there too that you will probably love. Look for high-end & designer, fresh smelling, expertly cared for blazers, dresses, clutches and much more at these sparkly lady centers. They are always edited by season too which is handy if you’re shopping for a look (and if you want to score a sale item that’s not currently in demand).

6) Buy something you normally wouldn’t. Not like a sequined-harlequin-jacket, but different enough to be something you tend to avoid. Always buying sensible shoes? Get something painful and wickedly gorgeous. Into grays and whites because they make you feel clean and simple? Get a bright fuchsia blouse. You know, something that pushes your envelope a little bit. For me, I just bought a gorgeously tailored black tuxedo jacket. I pictured myself in it, my cleavage lit by candlelight, morosely smoking Gitanes. Or waltzing through a crowded New York City bar to my group of culturally diverse friends after the best day of work in my life. You know, I was FANTASIZING. But it worked and I love my new wardrobe staple.

7) Accept defeat. You may not find anything. Or you could make a terribly misguided purchase (a fake Louis Vuitton bag? Cashmere boy short underwear?) That’s cool. Life goes on honey. Until it doesn’t.